Come, let us dip a toe in the world of transgender Reddit – specifically, rFTMOver30 – where the sexually dysmorphic hunt for slips-ups, pronoun blunders, and tiny acts of transgression. As you might imagine, things can get quite competitive.
First, a little background on the author of this particular woe:
About six months into dating, I went back on [testosterone] and have been on it for about 14 months. Aside from my voice not being deep enough for my liking, I pass 90-100% of the time in person, 50/50 over the phone. I changed my pronouns to he/him a few months ago and now identify as a binary trans man. [My cis female partner] has always been incredibly supportive of my transition, took care of me during top surgery, and largely has been my biggest ally, but at the moment I’m struggling.
The struggle involves a devilish innovation in the world of “transphobia”:
Last night, we had some of her friends over. Two cis het women and one of their husbands… So, we’re all hanging out, having a good time, and the single friend (we’ll call her Alison) makes a comment about women being afraid when walking to their cars at night, etc., and turns to the cis guy (“John”) and says, “You know, men, John!” – making a joke, because apparently John is the only man in the room!!!
This inadvertent favouring of factual accuracy is, it turns out, only the appetiser. The main basis for umbrage is about to become clear.
I get it. I too was afraid of men walking to my car when I was identifying as a woman (I came out as trans at 33. I’m almost 36 now). So I can understand on some level acknowledging the cis man who didn’t have those experiences, but it totally invalidates me for obvious reasons.
And so,
While I may not be cis, to exclude me from potentially being a danger to women… is transphobic.
There we go. New ground broken. Drinks all round.
After the gathering, when the guests had left, apologies were of course extracted from the author’s partner, along with confessions of wrongdoing, for daring to suggest that no harm was intended. Needless to say, and despite the lengthy confession and profuse apologies, and despite promises to “sit down” with Alison and correct her, the author of the piece is, we’re told, “having trouble moving on.”
You see, if friends come over for a pleasant evening and they don’t immediately consider you a potential mugger of women, or rapist of women, this is oppressive, “invalidating,” and “transphobic.” Such that it feels like “a punch in the gut.” It’s perhaps not the most obvious basis for invoking the unfairness of the world and one’s own endless suffering, but hey. In this competition, contrivance equals bonus points.
Quite what the author’s partner makes of this news – that in order to avoid being “transphobic,” she must consider her transgender lover a potential rapist – is, alas, not divulged.
Readers are invited to ponder the prospect of a dinner party at which, in order to be polite and suitably affirming, you’re obliged to insinuate that the host is rapist material. And to do it convincingly. Rather than, say, compliment the cooking or the décor.
Please update your files and lifestyles accordingly.
Via Eliza Mondegreen.
Update, via the comments:
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