Anthropology Dating Decisions

His Hypothetical Partner

February 17, 2025 by David 61 Comments

From that organ of Our Betters – the New York Times Magazine – a question of throbbing import:

As a White Man, Can I Date Women of Colour to Advance My Antiracism?

Because intimate relationships, even love, must, it seems, have political utility. It’s like dating, but For The Cause.

I’m a straight white dude and recent college grad who has very progressive beliefs and is looking for a committed partner who, in time, can equitably raise a family with me. I have almost zero honest-to-goodness physical preferences.

However,

I want to prioritise dating women of colour… I believe very strongly that one of the main ways to combat racism is through relationships.

Again, note the subordination of attraction, love, a lifelong bond, to a predetermined political goal. Readers are welcome to speculate as to how a sufficiently brown and exotic mate might regard her supposed utility as a tool to “combat racism.” Being a component of someone else’s strategy.

Both I and my hypothetical partner of colour would be choosing more learning and less comfort, to put forth greater effort and practice more listening, than we otherwise would in a culturally homogeneous committed relationship.

Oh, there’s more:

Part of me thinks that I will always be somewhat disappointed if what ends up becoming one of the most important relationships in my life is with another white person.

I know, ladies. He’s such a catch. You’re ovulating as I type.

If someone is a woman of colour, that checks a box for me in a real way. I am seeking to be antiracist in all my relationships.

One might call that neuroticism. Or a warning sign.

Part of the reason that I prioritise it is to combat implicit bias, having grown up in a fairly white, quasi rural place. I am dedicated to educating myself on issues of racism, sexism and other forms of kyriarchy while also learning from marginalised people.

And so, the language of amour now includes the terms implicit bias and kyriarchy. Oh silver-tongued charmer. If readers sense the presence of an elaborate, rather contrived sorting fetish, well, hold that thought.

For me, principles lead the way to attractions. I start by eating a food or adopting a habit because it’s good for me, and after trying it enough times, I find I really like it for what it is. The same applies to people I’m considering dating.

And what woman wouldn’t be charmed by the comparison with sprouts, kale, and other bitter foods? You see, ladies, if he can overcome the initial revulsion, and if he can suppress the gag reflex for long enough, he may, in time, find you palatable. You’d be the fibre in his diet.

Update:

If the contortions above sound familiar, you may be thinking of this item here. In which, Melissa Fabello, a “community educator” and former editor of Everyday Feminism, insists that “when you’re a white person in an interracial relationship, there’s this whole – ohhh, ya know – white supremacy thing hanging in the air.” A “white supremacy thing” that “has to be acknowledged – and dealt with – constantly.”

Ms Fabello’s ideal interracial relationship is, it turns out, one based on mutual awkwardness and regular confessions of “whiteness,” and in which any sexual activity “should be considered in relation to social power.” Which, again, does rather suggest an elaborate fetish. A weird, neurotic kink.

Oh, and according to Ms Fabello, if your partner-of-colour’s family-of-colour don’t want to meet you, a person of pallor, or have you in their home, then, obviously, this is all your fault. Because “you represent an oppressive system” by “virtue of your privileges.”

Such are the agonies of the pious.




Subscribestar
Share: