How Dare You Not Defer To My Lack Of Self-Possession
People often don’t like the words I say or write because they don’t like the way I say or write them. They don’t like the emotion, intention, passion, and words I use to emphasise all of the above.
In the pages of Scary Mommy, Ms Amber Leventry, a “queer person and educator,” is telling us how it is:
When folks become uncomfortable, they focus on the tone of the words being said and label it as unprofessional, angry, off-putting, or inappropriate. Rather than actually hearing what I’m saying, they try to avoid accountability or problem-solving by advising me to be more approachable or calm. This is tone policing, and it happens most often to marginalised groups and women — especially Black women — and it happens everywhere. It’s bullshit.
At risk of being difficult – and making claims of “bullshit” seem a tad premature – other possibilities come to mind. It is, for instance, generally easier to process calm speech and to formulate a meaningful response. Dealing with agitation and temper isn’t often conducive to mutual understanding, and it’s hard not to be defensive when someone is shouting and swearing at you. Needless to say, fits of vehemence and impatience aren’t the most obvious path to nuance and the clear communication of detail. And it may, of course, be the case that the person doing the shouting and shrieking is simply a bully and accustomed to getting their own way by means of decibels and arm-flailing.
However, Ms Leventry is much too busy to engage with such humdrum possibilities. Instead, we get a hint of the regard in which she holds her peers and employers:
I recently provided a training for K- through third grade teachers about how to make their classrooms more inclusive for transgender and gender nonconforming kids. It was LGBTQIA+ allyship 101. The principal asked me not to swear during the training because some of the elementary school teachers don’t like swearing. This wasn’t a threat; it was an admission that some of her staff would be policing my words and then shutting down if they became offended when I didn’t spoon-feed them G-rated language and in a way that didn’t disrupt their naïve view of the world… Instead of focusing on the content, they would only be able to focus on the tone or package in which the content was delivered.
A pretty good reason, one might think, to prioritise effective communication over any satisfaction to be had in unnerving strangers with incongruous coarseness and bellowed epithets. Assuming, that is, that what matters is the aforementioned content, not adolescent self-indulgence or displays of domination.
This is just one version of tone policing, and it was used to silence and derail the conversation away from the real topic at hand.
Again, readers may have their own views as to which party is needlessly derailing the conversation.
Inevitably, objections to being shouted at, and sworn at, are framed with great haste as a sign of complicity in oppression:
Tone policing happens because it’s too hard for some people to sit in discomfort, acknowledge mistakes, and move toward meaningful conversations and change. Instead of validating the message, tone policing uses thin and privileged excuses to avoid it altogether. Tone-policing is rooted in colonialism and white supremacy.
In short, then, when a suitably black or gay person shouts at you, you “need to be quiet and listen” – and by implication, you should promptly defer, however wrong or ridiculous, or nakedly opportunist, the shouting person may be. You must “validate” their rage, and any incoherence, with lots of silent nodding, before rolling submissively onto your back. Because, being members of a Designated Victim Group, even if irrelevant or based on nothing whatsoever, they matter, and clearly, you don’t. What with all that “privilege” you apparently have. And because reciprocal courtesies just ain’t woke. It’s the progressive pecking order. Know your place.
Update, via the comments:
The lovely Ms Leventry, whose pronouns, we learn, are they and them, has been mentioned here before. As when she boasted of encouraging her own small children to feel hostile and violent towards conservatives and Trump supporters, and to shout profanities at them, randomly, simply for being conservatives and Trump supporters. Because cultivating irrational hatred in children aged seven and nine is a way to combat bigotry, it seems. And she does this while conceding that her own Trump-supporting neighbours have, and I quote, “always been kind to us.” So, not a well woman, or an obvious moral guide.
And it may, of course, be the case that the person doing the shouting and shrieking is simply a bully and accustomed to getting their own way by means of decibels and arm-flailing.
That.
That.
Given its obviousness, it is a little odd that Ms Leventry doesn’t pause, even briefly, to acknowledge the possibility. As so often, we’re expected to believe that no-one with unsavoury motives would ever take advantage of these woke hierarchies and all this leverage – despite the open goal. For all the blather about “critical thinking,” the woke-lings seem to expect devotees to be remarkably credulous.
His/her/it’s private life is no doubt… sparkling.
For all the blather about “critical thinking,” the woke-lings seem to expect devotees to be remarkably credulous.
Submit in willing humiliation.
Or else suffer further humiliation.
“When folks become uncomfortable, they focus on the tone of the words being said and label it as unprofessional, angry, off-putting, or inappropriate. Rather than actually hearing what I’m saying,”
FULL STOP.
IOW, they don’t understand me, and it’s their fault.
This has the ring of an abusive spouse, an alcoholic, or both. It’s the “I’m right and everybody else is wrong” syndrome.
But this is where we are. Anoint yourself as a member of a victim group and rules of civility no longer apply, or at least not to them. I seem to recall that our mere words are considered “violence” to people like Ms. “Fuck you I’ll curse in front of 6-year-old students if I want to” Leventry.
Tone-policing is rooted in colonialism and white supremacy.
TBF, as explained in this handy chart* by another of her general ilk, so is everything.
*(Not a parody)
People often don’t like the words I say or write because they don’t like the way I say or write them. They don’t like the emotion, intention, passion, and words I use to emphasise all of the above.
Sounds like Harlan Ellison, except even more deranged. 😉
“Rather than actually hearing what I’m saying, they try to avoid accountability or problem-solving by advising me to be more approachable or calm. This is tone policing, and it happens most often to marginalised groups and women — especially Black women — and it happens everywhere. It’s bullshit.”
Hey didn’t this actually happen to Paul Rossi – not a black woman IIRCC ? Which David covered here just last week. Not a whiff of double standard here.
(Hits tip jar – just to be safe)
This has the ring of an abusive spouse, an alcoholic, or both.
It doesn’t invite feelings of sympathy for the author, no.
There’s an air of either obliviousness or disingenuousness, or both. I mean, if you were actually concerned that your audience was being distracted or repelled by the way in which you choose to communicate, and that your all-important message was being lost, then the solution seems obvious. I.e., change the way you communicate. In this case, dial back on the shouting and f-bombs. But instead, Ms Leventry presses on regardless, alienating much of her intended audience, as if their expectations of courtesy were unimportant, indeed contemptible, and then blaming them for her own perverse choices.
Of course, if the object is merely to scold people, especially white people, at every possible opportunity – to smear them as oppressors because they’d rather not be sworn at and shouted at by passing lunatics – then it starts to make a kind of sense.
(Hits tip jar – just to be safe)
Bless you. May the state of your lawn attract hushed awe, not the urine of foxes.
Assuming, that is, that what matters is the aforementioned content, not adolescent self-indulgence or displays of domination.
She says she’s an anti-bullying activist but it sounds like she enjoys bullying people.
Helpful Advice: If you shout back, curse and swear at Ms Leventry in her lectures, she will “police” your tone, label you as resisting her truth and report you as noncompliant with training, leading to a summary court-martial and punishment.
Your job as a lecture attendee is to sit quietly, nod and mutter “Amen”, “Tell it, Sister”, and such approbations throughout.
A standing ovation when she stands to begin and another when she concludes would not go amiss.
How is “queer non-binary” not a contradiction? I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re living “you’re own truth.”
Non-binary but pronouns are “they/them”. I’m honearly stumped.
Also in the Twitter photo they/them look remarkably like a younger version of Mark Williams in “suits you sir” mode.
One wonders if it/they/them are part of the Beria branch of the family, also from pictures on duckduckgo their appearance is decidedly Teutonic.
Strong emotions are one of the primary tools of the bully. Some people learn early on that their rage this can set others back on their heels, and they use this to dominate and subdue.
The problem is that this tactic is limited. They soon run into those who know what their game is, and simply don’t put up with it. Thus Leventry’s frustration. My righteous wrath is supposed to be working. Why isn’t it working?
Some people learn early on that their rage this can set others back on their heels, and they use this to dominate and subdue.
I’d imagine most of the readers here have encountered people who use emotional incontinence, whether incongruous tears or disproportionate anger, or a reputation for such, to inhibit criticism or to get their own way. And yet it seems we’re supposed to pretend that such creatures don’t exist. And if they did, would never, ever exploit a golden opportunity.
It seems likely this delightful person wouldn’t take kindly to being told to STFU, something apparently long overdue.
When folks become uncomfortable, they focus on the tone of the words being said and label it as unprofessional, angry, off-putting, or inappropriate.
Well isn’t it? Funny, she’s able to identify all the issues that hurt her communications effectiveness but can’t quite understand how to deal with them. A real head scratcher.
Tone-policing is rooted in colonialism and white supremacy.
Then black-on-black beatdowns and shootings based on “disrespect” are … ?
This lady does this better than you do:
https://collectivecuriosity.quora.com/Why-was-Genghis-Khan-so-successful?ch=10&share=0b786792&srid=1Pk3x
If you really want to sent her/him/it off, turn around and start conversing (calmly) with the person behind you. Also works with Karens.
She says she’s an anti-bullying activist but it sounds like she enjoys bullying people.
As with a lot of today’s “anti-X” stuff, it’s really just X. Thus, “anti-racism” is racist, “antifa” is fascist, etc. Not unlike the way that, for example, a photon is its own antiparticle.
Says Ms. L. in her lectures, “You don’t have to have EXPERIENCED our struggles to BELIEVE our struggles!” as an example of something she might be “tone-policed” for.
To which I might reply, “Not at all. But SHOUTING about your struggles isn’t always the best way to make me CARE about your struggles, either!”
emotional incontinence,
Wasn’t that a Rolling Stones tour?
Right after Steel Wheelchairs…
Harvard epidemiologist in Mao hat wants ‘accountability’ for anti-lockdown academics.
Harvard epidemiologist in Mao hat wants ‘accountability’ for anti-lockdown academics.
He’s got the luvvie head-tilt Tim Blair used to talk about. That expression, though – now I understand what people mean by a “punchable face”.
The poor dog. He looks like he wants to escape.
Oh damn. Pasted the wrong link.
David, could you please replace it with this? Which links to this?
David, could you…
Done.
[ Resumes nonchalant wiping of bar. ]
People often don’t like the words I say or write because they don’t like the way I say or write them. They don’t like the emotion, intention, passion, and words I use to emphasise all of the above.
But enough about accusations of “mansplaining”.
the person doing the shouting and shrieking is simply a bully and accustomed to getting their own way by means of decibels and arm-flailing
Possibly related.
Ya know, with all the various and sundry that has “taken root in colonialism and white supremacy” I’m starting to think the soil there must be incredibly fertile. Maybe we should start a farmers co-op, or a community garden at least.
standing ovation when she stands to begin and another when she concludes
Of course, one should never be the first to stop applauding.
Right, tovarisch?
It occurs to me that this could be an example of the kind of spirited black woman Ms Leventry has in mind.
An educator, of course.
May the state of your lawn attract hushed awe, not the urine of foxes.
One begets the other I’m afraid.
Done.
Thank you, David.
[ dons hair shirt ]
Jonathan/Jessica Yaniv is now pretending to be unable to walk?
Serves xher right for not wearing 2 masks on public transport pst.
Possibly related.
So I got curious what became of Trigglypuff (I know, I’m sick)…anyway, apparently it is on twitter (of course) where apparently it objected to a reference to Cinderella. Why? Because Cinderella triggered it to think of the Holocaust. Why? Because “Cinder. Ashes. Holocaust. How can you not see the link?”.
He’s been using a mobility scooter for some time. I think he’s laying the groundwork for a disability grift.
Possibly a bit chafed after his waxing; makes it hard to walk, I suspect.
He’s been using a mobility scooter for some time…
I didn’t know that.
I think he’s laying the groundwork for a disability grift.
Seems extremely likely. Does he do anything that is not a grift or recreational sadism?
Quite the man-spreading thing he’s got going on there. For all his blather about being a woman, he looks and acts like your bog-standard leftist man, one who definitely has a chip on his shoulder about women. He’s just an opportunistic grifter using the latest lefty trends to bully women and lord it over them like the male chauvinist pig the feminists of yore used yammer on about endlessly.
Decolonization for you! And decolonization for you! Decolonization for everyone!
She could be transported to a magical land where fatness wasn’t just accepted, but celebrated as the highest ideal of beauty. And in that magical land, her joints would still be ground to powder, and she wouldn’t be able to climb a flight of stairs without her heart threatening to explode, because at the end of the day gravity just doesn’t give two shits about what’s trendy or popular.
…training for K- through third grade teachers
If there’s another group that needs to be profanely shouted at I can’t think of who it would be. This educator clearly knows her audience. You have to treat them like a Marine Corps drill instructor would or they won’t learn anything.
She could be transported to a magical land where fatness wasn’t just accepted, but celebrated as the highest ideal of beauty.
Do you mean like the Playboy Mansion?
*(Not a parody)
That chart seems needlessly complicated. I wonder how long it took them to make it?
Do you mean like the Playboy Mansion?
” ‘You have the power to love your body without hesitation,’ David Hasselhoff’s 28-year-old daughter wrote on Instagram alongside her powerful, boundary breaking Playboy Germany cover”
It wasn’t that many years ago that German culture celebrated the beauty of physical fitness.
And it’s funny how all these publicity stunts are “powerful”. Not to mention the implicit assumption that “boundary breaking” is an always and incontrovertibly Good Thing.
Not to mention the implicit assumption that “boundary breaking” is an always and incontrovertibly Good Thing.
Similarly in the 70’s and 80’s with “provocative”. Apparently I was the only one who thought that was stupid. Provoke what? To what end? It always seemed to be being used in reference to certain celebrities as a disingenuous substitute for what a normal person would call “asshole”.
It occurs to me that there’s an awful lot of people in the world who just haven’t been punched in the face often enough.
And their numbers seem to be growing exponentially.