Bowing and fingering by Eimantas Belickas. Hair by Tadas Maksimovas. 

You may now resume your duties. 

At last, a tumblr devoted to gay male partners who look remarkably similar. 

“Because what’s sexier than dating yourself?” 

And I still wake up screaming.  

The Guardian’s Emer O’Toole returns to a subject she apparently finds compelling and tells us, 

The capitalist drive to convince us that female body hair is unnatural and unclean has been alarmingly successful. The removal industry is worth millions, and uncountable women are ashamed of and distressed by their post-pubescent hair.

Sadly, Ms O’Toole doesn’t pause to ponder how an industry generally becomes successful – say, by offering a product that people are willing to pay for, having made a choice and sought out said product. This being a Guardian article, its basic tone is patronising and womenfolk are once again assumed to be mere dupes, entirely at the mercy of diabolical forces and trembling with insecurities. And so readers are presented with a cloud of implications involving “greedy” industries, sheepish consumers and the shame and distress wrought by pubic hair. A kind of false consciousness for the underpants area, from which one must “wake up,” and in which feelings of inadequacy are “heaped on hairy privates” by persons unknown. 

While many details of this drama are left oddly undefined or simply ignored – among them, the agency of the people buying hair-removal products – readers are, however, told, “We resent the pressure, and we resent being made to feel ashamed.” Once again, that Guardian staple – the paranormal we. Because what a Guardian columnist frets about in order to fill space is what all women fret about. How could it not be?

Mercifully, there is light at the end of the tunnel:  

I think 2014 might just be the year of the bush. In an unlikely about-face, Cameron Diaz has proclaimed that pubic hair is there for a reason, and to remove it is tantamount to saying, “I don’t need my nose.”

Needless to say, the subsequent comments may also be of interest. There, you’ll find readers affirming the aesthetic and practical merits of various styling techniques – “a landing strip or modest bit of tailored fluff” – while others warn of the hazards of choking on pubic hair in a darkened room. Ms O’Toole’s previous contributions to human knowledge include her belief that not shaving one’s armpits is “the necessary and important work of challenging stupid, arbitrary, gendered bullshit.” Ms O’Toole also managed to mention, several times, that her boyfriends have thought her “brave” for daring to have armpit hair. Yes, fear not, dear reader. A moral titan walks among us.  

From earlier this year, the late Norm Geras on communist cool: 

Born in communist Czechoslovakia, Dalibor Rohac is unsettled by the continued displays of the symbols of communism by people on the political left. In view of the millions of victims of communist regimes, he finds it difficult to understand the surviving taste for the hammer and sickle, Che Guevara t-shirts and the like. Rohac mentions some possible explanations for this: that few people grasp the magnitude of the crimes of communism; that, whereas totalitarian fascism was always a poisonous idea, communism may be seen as a good idea that went wrong… A good idea gone wrong as may be, communism didn’t just go wrong in some minor or insignificant detail, but on a vast scale, and the manner in which it went wrong wasn’t only the manner of what one calls a ‘mistake’… No one with a genuine attachment to humane ideals should want to be associated with, much less bear upon their person, the iconography in question. It should have been completely discredited.

At the same time, for my part I do not find it so difficult to understand why this hasn’t happened. It hasn’t happened, because the left is far from having rid itself of those tendencies towards apologia for dictatorship and disregard for human rights that prevailed in the mid-20th century… Moreover, we are not talking here, as is sometimes alleged, of only a small fraction of the left – the far left: unreconstructed Stalinists, the SWP and its penumbra, and so forth. They form, to be sure, a core region of the anti-democratic indulgence I mean. But it also has a large hinterland among well-meaning ‘liberals’… The regrettable fact of the matter is that too much of the left still gives anti-capitalism and/or equality priority over the norms of democracy, liberty and human rights; and this is why the iconography tainted by the deaths of millions of innocent people is still seen as being cool where it no longer should be.

Unsurprisingly, I differ from Norm on one point, a point I think of as quite important. Communism – Marxism and its variants – was never a good idea. It is, and always was, a monstrous idea, a license for coercion, atrocity and horror – predictably so. And not coincidentally, it was conceived by, and has since entranced, some very unpleasant people. 

Mark Steyn on being sued by a fool: 

I’m currently being sued… by Dr Michael Mann, the eminent global warm-monger, for mocking his increasingly discredited climate-change “hockey stick.” So Dr Mann has sued for what his complaint to the court called “defamation of a Nobel prize recipient.” In fact, Dr Mann is not a “Nobel prize recipient.” But, as Donna LaFramboise recently pointed out, he has spent many years passing himself off as one. The nearest he got to a Nobel was as one of several thousand contributors to one of various reports by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which in 2007 shared a Nobel Peace Prize. So Dr Mann is a Nobel laureate in the same sense that my mother is: She’s Belgian, and Belgium is in the European Union, and the European Union was collectively awarded the Nobel Peace Prize last year. My mum does not claim to be a Nobel prize winner, but Dr Mann did, on an industrial scale, including in his publicist’s bio, his book jackets and his website — until, in the wake of his false complaint, the Nobel Institute in Oslo declared that he was not a Nobel laureate at all. In that sense, Dr Mann is, indeed, a fraud. It is a fascinating legal question whether a man guilty of serial misrepresentation can, in fact, be defamed.

John Hinderaker on Big Government economics: 

“We must increase our debt limit so that we can pay our bills.” As Tyler Durden notes, this is the “most disturbing sentence uttered during the debt ceiling debate/government shut down.” […] There are around 72 million American children under the age of 18. If you do the maths, assuming they are on the hook for our debts, that means that currently each American child is around $236,000 in debt. Since only around one-half of Americans are federal income taxpayers, it would be more accurate to say that each future taxpayer owes $472,000. If two of them get married, they owe just short of $1 million, with more debt being piled up every day and with interest costs sure to increase. These numbers can be sliced and diced in various ways, but any way you look at it, it is insane that those in Washington who wanted to blow past the statutory debt limit without hesitation so that we can “pay our bills” are hailed as responsible. Here is a hint: if you have to borrow money to pay your bills, you aren’t paying your bills.

Somewhat related: 

“The federal government is America’s largest employer,” Obama said.

Via reddit’s SRSsucks forum, comes this stern correction regarding countercultural coiffure:

This is the post about white people with dreadlocks. This is the post about white people who just don’t get the possibility that they could be doing something colonialist.

The author of the piece, a self-described “white, queer, rural-identified, able-bodied+mentally ill Episcopal priest lady,” is unhappy with the sight of,

white dude colonisers with dreads.

Why?

Because we’re seeing white boys… maintaining and justifying racist hair.

Yes, racist hair.

And being white herself, our Racially Enlightened Hair Corrector has much to say on the subject of the melanin deficient:

White people have this terrible, awful, no-good habit of trying to take everyone else’s “authenticity” because they feel so like lost and indie and culturally dislocated and their poor little selves are so tired, because they have all this power and it’s so exhausting.

Which I’m sure describes every single pale person you happen to know, yes? Thankfully, the author is determined to make the world a kinder, fairer, fluffier place, a feat that’s to be achieved by everyone else doing exactly as she says. And so, should you encounter a pale person with politically incorrect hair, the author’s suggested response – the “only appropriate thing” – is to deliver a long, un-paragraphed diatribe with fits of random shouting:

Further to recent comments regarding Laurie Penny and her struggles with reality, let’s turn to the New Statesman, where, thanks to Laurie, “pop culture and radical politics” are given a “feminist twist.”

This latest trend shows that female sexual shame remains big business.

Which heinous trend would this be? Why, vajazzling, of course:

The burgeoning celebrity craze for shaving, denuding and perfuming one’s intimate area before applying gemstones in a variety of approved girly patterns. The end result resembles a raw chicken breast covered in glitter.

It’s not for everyone, then.

As the name implies, this one is just for the girls – nobody, so far, has suggested that men’s sexual equipment is unacceptable if it doesn’t taste like cake and sparkle like a disco ball.

Ah. I fear some presumptuous rote feminism may be lurking in the bushes. As it were. But wait a minute. Who’s suggesting that an unadorned ladygarden is now “unacceptable”? Are husbands and boyfriends nationwide lecturing on the woes of unglittered panty parts? Do the manufacturers of vajazzling kits put ominous hints of inadequacy on their packaging? (Incidentally, any male readers in search of a sequinned sack or other “dickoration” will find suitable products online, and New York’s Completely Bare Spa does, I’m told, oblige.)

Surely it can’t catch on. Surely, no matter how ludicrous, painful and expensive consumer culture’s intervention in our sex lives becomes, nobody is disgusted enough by their own normal genitals that they would rather look like they’ve just been prepped for surgery by Dr Bling. Or are they?

I hate to be a nuisance, but I do have more questions. How, exactly, does “consumer culture” – i.e., a faintly silly fashion product – intervene in “our” sex lives? Aren’t vajazzling kits bought by women voluntarily – for amusement possibly? Are women everywhere, or anywhere, being coerced into vajazzling – and if so, by whom? And why should we assume – apparently based on nothing – that the obvious motives are insecurity and self-disgust?

Suddenly, my teenage friends are popping off to get vajazzled.

Thank goodness for Laurie’s friends, to whom she turns, conveniently, whenever evidence is needed. No doubt they too are mere playthings of the all-powerful vajazzling conglomerates.

For newcomers, some popular items. In chronological order.

2007:

Al-Guardian & the Brotherhood. Secrets, lies and vicarious titillation.

PoMo, Terry Eagleton & Che Guevara T-Shirts. A discussion with Ophelia Benson on irrationalism and the left.

Islam’s Hagiographer. Karen Armstrong acts casual, rewrites history.

Phantom Guilt Syndrome. Self-loathing 101.

Art Bollocks Revisited. Postmodern gibberish and political lockstep.

Peddling Stupidity. “Radical cyber-feminist” Carolyn Guertin is mocked, quite a lot.

For the Love of God. Islam, women and dissent; death threats and piety.

The Floating Phallus. Autoerotic flummery disguised as education.

Egalitarian Epistemology. “Feminist empiricism” and the goddess of smallpox.

Shaping Young Minds. Seattle socialists outlaw Lego and “eliminate bias.”

2008:

A Conspicuous Omission. Faisal al Yafai’s cartoon causality and passive-aggressive claptrap.

Fire Starters. Thinking is incendiary. So stop it at once.

What to Think, Not How. A review of Indoctrinate U.

Tears and Role-Play. When one type of identity politics collides with another. Cue victimhood poker.

Naming the Devil. The intimate flaw of Islam is its founder. And dishonesty won’t change that.

The Guardian Position. Jakob Illeborg wants to defend free society by abandoning it.

Being Reasonable. Intruders, small children and “reasonable force.”

Let’s Play Bamboozle! Hiding bias with postmodern bafflegab.

The Greater Good (2). Arabella Weir passes among the proles, hoping to be noticed.

Womanier Stuff. Oh, the insights to be found in Women’s Studies discussion groups.

Rebellion, Revisited. Your children’s education and their teachers’ politics.

A Mighty Intervention. Bettina Camilla Vestergaard suffers for her art at public expense.

Insufficiently Sensitive. A university student reads a history book in his own time. And is punished for it.

2009:

The Voice of Conscience. The wild imaginings of Mr John Pilger.

Construct Unstuck. The urge to reproduce is an oppressive social construct. So is upper body strength, apparently.

Behold My Virtue (3). Sunny Hundal waves his eco-credentials. Sniggering ensues.

Postmodernism Unpeeled. A discussion with Dr Stephen Hicks.

Thrashing the Hegemon. Fearless artist José Carlos Teixeira gives Western society the thrashing it deserves.

Freeloading and Snobbery. Arts establishment claims to be “suppressed,” sneers at the little people, demands free money.

Avert Your Eyes. George Monbiot surrenders to the madness.

Uprising. “Penile imperialism” and obligatory lesbianism. A video history of radical feminism.

Every Bit as Hobbled. Christina Hoff Sommers highlights inaccuracies in feminist textbooks. The Sisterhood takes umbrage.

Moral Inertia. Anti-social behaviour and the weight of doing nothing.

Where Reason Never Sleeps. Professor Thomas Thibeault points out error in sexual harassment policy and is fired two days later.

Don’t Bother Me With Details. Linda Bellos is much too superior to do things like research.

The Master’s Tools. Heterosex is rape, virginity is oppression, dildos reinforce The Patriarchy. A feminist guru ruminates.

I Sense a Malign Presence. Meet Jane Elliott: “diversity” pioneer and Witchfinder General for the modern age.

Intellectual Life. The literary left in all its glory.

The Privileges of Piety. The Archbishop of Canterbury, a palace-dwelling lefty, wants to save you from your earnings.

Artists for Gaia. Concerned artists sail north at public expense. Gas is released courageously.

The Wrong Kind of Rich. Toynbee and Rusbridger deserve hefty salaries. Unlike you.

2010:

A Great Big Socialist Heart. Kevin McKenna rails against private education and reveals more than he intends.

The Monbiot Fatwa. The cowardice, displacement and moral exhibitionism of Mr George Monbiot.

I Don’t Deserve This Shabby Treatment. The staggering vainglory of the academic left, part 203.

Comedy Economics. Leftwing think tank will improve your lives by making you poor and controlling your time.

Is That Your Hand In My Pocket? Playwright Jonathan Holmes thinks he’s heroic and so you owe him money.

Fringe Theatre. Vegan advocate of “militant action” is victim of “militant action” and gets terribly upset.

They Have No Politics. The mighty Bidisha doesn’t comprehend how people could disagree with her.

Unlearning Whiteness. Teaching pretentious self-contempt. Evidence be damned.

The Crushing Patriarchy, Episode 12. Bidisha sees “cultural femicide” everywhere, descends into madness.

The Flow of Ideas. Professor Sharra Vostral exposes the humble tampon as an “artefact of control.”

When Activists Hallucinate. Innocuous graduation card spreads subliminal gangsta racism. According to idiots.

At Last, Socialist Football. Some kids play better than others. This simply will not do.

Overlords. On egalitarian superiority. In order to fix us, someone has to be in charge.

Just Thwarted Sperm. Amanda Marcotte tells menfolk which feelings they’re allowed to have.

Some Guardian Nuance. Priyamvada Gopal denounces Western modernity, excuses Taliban, loses grip.

I’m Other, Subsidise Me. Omar Kholeif is professionally ethnic and terribly oppressed. Though by what he doesn’t say.

You Are Privileged to Witness Just How Brilliant I Am. Conceptual artists reach bottom of barrel. Omar Kholeif swoons.

The Sound of Wringing (2). Theo Hobson sticks pins into his eyes, rhetorically.

Dissident Academic Feels the Warmth of Social Justice. Or, “if you expose our student indoctrination policy we will punish you.”

An Instrument of Choice. Melanie McDonagh’s feminist rationale for fraud, dishonesty and extortion.

Like Fun, But Less So. Leo Hickman recoils from fireworks and brandishes his veg box.

New Tyranny Detected. Lara Pawson rails against “heteronormative privilege” and “the tyranny of coupledom.”

Unveiled, New Definitions of Violence and Civilisation. Being insufficiently leftwing now constitutes “violence.”

MilneWorld (4). Meet the new paymaster of the British left.

Above Them, Only Sky. The Guardian pines for radical pop stars. Like the peacenik who bankrolled the IRA.

The Warm Glow of Socialism. Student protestors somehow, perhaps carefully, miss the larger issue.

How Not to Make the Case for Public Subsidy. Art students denounce economic realism, brandish Derrida. Adam Harper swoons.

2011:

New Crisis Detected. Does your home have a spare room? George Monbiot wants to make you “pay for the privilege.”

The Penny Hasn’t Dropped. Laurie Penny’s world is a heteronormative police state that’s brutal, intolerant and also on fire.

Sparkly Bits. Laurie Penny rails against the menace of pubic glitter.

Techno, Annotated. Goa/psytrance is being repressed! The vital scholarship of Dr Graham St John.

My Tribe’s Violence Doesn’t Count, Okay? Radical Guardianistas indulge in threats, projection and double standards.

Ignorant Teachers, A New Socialist Ideal. Knowledge and competence are outmoded and unfair, says philosopher Nina Power.

Because Men Have Abortions Too. The world-shaking insights of gender trendsetter Jos Truitt.

I’m Not Condoning Violence, But… When “being heard” means being obeyed. A lesson in leftist euphemism.

The Impervious Toynbee. Well-heeled leftist struggles with reality. Also, logic.

Socialist Hearts Are Just Bigger Than Ours. Zoe Williams objects to philanthropy. Because giving money away “creates inequality.”

All Pop Music Will Henceforth Be Terrible. Socialist pop music is apparently impossible without taxpayer subsidy.

It’s Protest So It’s Righteous. Alexander Vasudevan says radical people are entitled to “seize” your property.

Ambient Truth. Made-up facts will do just as well.

Meanwhile, in the Arts. Liquidised carrots, moths and bras, and a fat, naked narcissist jumps around in talc.

The Riots, Summarised. Thugs prey on children, torch occupied buildings and assault fire-fighters. The delusional left gets giddy.

New, Leftwing Physics Discovered. Passive overeating is a pandemic, says Professor Boyd Swinburn. People must be punished.

We’re Compensating You for That Face. Not everyone is good-looking. Affirmative action now!

Militantly Nude. A San Francisco “nude-in” reveals more than intended.

Worth Every Penny. Laurie Penny champions Arts Council-funded dirt relocation. It’s vital for “social progress.”

Remember, Kids. Socialism is the Opposite of Greed. Socialism always attracts the smart ones.

Don’t Be So Mean to the Titans of Tomorrow. Stop laughing at Occupy. They’re really, really radical. It’s a “new world order.”

The Occupod People Will Save Us. Occupiers blather, stab, shit on streets. Leftist media swoons.

It’s the Calibre of the People That Impresses Me the Most. Meet Occupy Denver’s Idiot Hat Guy. A radical thinker, a precious flower.

2012:

Because Artists Are So Dangerous. Bettina Camilla Vestergaard denounces free market, makes hilariously bad art.

Terrorising Coffee Drinkers for the Greater Good. Guardian hearts Occupier. Said Occupier hearts smashing other people’s stuff.

Crotch Funk as Art. Five narcissists attempt to fill their transparent plastic overalls with body odour. For art.

No Ego Whatsoever, Just an Urge to Control. Ken Loach is countercultural. And so you should be forced to give him your money.

Towers of Learning. David Horowitz explains the pathologies of leftist academia. From counterfactual history to the thug veto.

They Exist on a Higher Plane, You See. Visual art “is not about looking at things.” It’s about the aching cleverness of blank sheets of paper.

When Scolding is the Payoff for All That Piety and Angst. Guardian education journalist sends daughter to private school. Hysteria ensues.

The Pure Ones Will Guide Us. Jean Brady: novelist, umbrage-taker, colossal hypocrite.

You’ll Notice They All Wear Shoes. Or, “Mommy, What’s a Cock Ring?”

On Fungal Matters. A black man buys truffles. The Guardian is thrilled.

It’s Politically Radical Sex, Not Ordinary Mortal Sex. Ms Nadio Cho: student, titan, radical shagger.

Monbiot and the Morlocks. George encounters the noble savage. Things go badly wrong.

2013:

Just Don’t Call it a Hustle. Liz Forgan burns your money because, well, she can.

Our Brightest Minds. Meet Arun Smith, the ideal self-satisfied product of a leftist education.

The Incident. The unspeakable mental horror of a partly-chewed Pop-Tart.

Racist Hair. Don’t colonise my black essence with your white racist hair.

Because Socialism is Never About Envy and Spite. The Guardian’s Michele Hanson wishes fear and misery on people she doesn’t know.

Bearing Down, Radically. Artist Mikala Dwyer is “challenging taboos” by inviting dancers to shit onstage. “It’s a wonderful, powerful work.”

Will No-One Think of the Artists? “Employment should be optional,” says Godfrey Moase, who wants $30,000 a year just for being fabulous.

I’m Sorry, But Your Utopia is Just a Little Creepy. Parents should make sacrifices. Not for their children. Of their children.

Headdesk, She Replied. If mugged, don’t call the police. That would be proof of your racism and “white privilege.”

Two Balls Bad, No Balls Good. The Guardian’s Mike Power denounces the barbecue patriarchy, where pleasure is impossible.

Responding to Semen, Belatedly. Guardian writer fights tube masturbation with bad performance art.

Her Unspeakable Woes. Icess Fernandez Rojas isn’t being “validated” by her spellcheck software. Something must be done.

Sweating from the Effort. Excrement and feminism, together at last.

Not Hearing His Own. The deep socialist wisdom of Mr Owen Hatherley. Verily, he will lead us to the light.

Three Snippets from One Paper. Apocalyptic poetry, Fair Trade carrot cake and the patriarchy of fracking. The Guardian in miniature.

Improving Us From Above. Leftwing academics want to save us from all those nice things they enjoy and that we shouldn’t want.

Get Them While They’re Soft and Yielding. On the first day of class, Professor William Penn lets his students know what his politics are.

Clinging to the Teats. Gender studies lecturer Hila Shachar doesn’t think the public should have any say in how its money is spent.

Diversity and Inclusion. To be cultivated, obviously, with racial segregation.

I Don’t Think She’s Handling the Menopause Very Well. A performance artist and author of “porno-erotic texts” struggles with middle age.

Wolf, They Cried. “Hate crime” hoaxes and campus complicity. Because a lie will do just fine.

The Cupcake Menace. Tiny cakes are exploitative, demeaning and emotionally crippling, says the Guardian’s Matt Seaton.

Because Art is the Fourth Emergency Service. Writer rails against the indignity of not being given money he hasn’t actually earned.

Don’t Oppress Me With Your Commas. Tomorrow’s intellectuals protest against the racist “microaggressions” of corrected punctuation.

Because Lying and Resenting Is What Angels Do. When there isn’t enough racism to justify your pre-booked outrage, make some up.

It’s a Fascist Groove Thang. Students display their moral credentials by trapping staff, vandalising property and setting bins on fire.

The Needs of Artists. Meet Ms Casey Jenkins, Australia’s foremost exponent of vaginal knitting.

2014:

The Humble Among Us. Novelist Brigid Delaney wants a nicer flat. You, taxpayer, come hither.

A Dining Room Comedy. Oh no. A plate with food on it. The exquisite mealtime sorrows of the Guardianista male.

Pearl-Clutching Pornographers. Campus feminists combat “male-centricity” by rubbing eggs on their naked bodies.

The Roar of Enlightened Manhood. A Guardian-reading student is baffled by the world. Why won’t all men copy him?

Scenes of Extended Fretting. Mr Leo Hickman has a mangetout moment. Self-flagellation ensues.

Their Mighty Brains Will Save Us. The Guardian unveils its sassy and eclectic trainee journalists. Just don’t laugh at their biographies.

When the Onion is Redundant. Paul Krugman and Polly Toynbee are awfully concerned by how much you earn. Themselves, not so much.

But Beauty Is So Hard. Taxpayer-funded artist Keeley Haftner deposits garbage on street, is bewildered by lack of gratitude.

Your Masculinity Must Be Abolished. The thrilling moral radicalism of Ms Lierre Keith.

Something About the Tone. Urban Studies lecturer frets about the unequal distribution of litter, suggests bulldozing Belgravia. For the poor.

The Crushing Patriarchy, Sporting Edition. The Guardian’s Silvia Murray Wakefield is distressed by the World Cup. Incoherently, of course.

The Patriarchy Made Me Do It. Laurie Penny is confused again. Huge chunks of rhetoric fall from the sky.

I Hammer Culture into Your Tiny Minds. Radical artists deploy “guerrilla performance piece.” Passers-by remain unmoved.

Well, Soil is Sort of Brown. Your furniture is a racist proxy, says sociology lecturer. Also, Gardeners’ Question Time.

Spider-Man’s Unwell Cousin. Performance artist faffs about, wraps head in yarn. It’s a daring “infiltration in public space.”

Please Don’t Dump Your Garbage on the Roadside. Performance art duo “create a space to think critically” by bashing themselves with pillows.

He’s a Fan of Laurie Penny, You Know. The economics editor Of Channel 4 News imagines his utopia.

But Does it Massage the Buttocks? Every student needs a $13,000 vibrating nap machine.

The Wrong Colour Buttocks. The Guardian’s Yomi Adegoke ponders the politics of prosthetic comedy bottoms.

Because Waitrose Eats Your Soul. Felicity Lawrence and Deborah Orr tighten their moral corsets, comedy ensues.

Flatter, Mythologize, Rinse, Repeat. Laurie Penny is marginalised, “marked as other,” and also a cyborg.

We Mustn’t let the Poor Have Nice Things. Millionaire socialist denounces cheap food.

Hush, Art is Happening. Artist and educator Marilyn Arsem rails against democracy, squashes fruit in protest.

Meanwhile, on the Battlefield of Facial Hair. Beards “glorify behaviours typical of people in white hegemonies.”

Great Subtlety of Mind. Professor’s sculpture leaves students “traumatised” and in need of counselling.

Chewing the Scenery for Social Justice. Student activist is emotionally devastated by two-letter word previously unknown to her.

2015:

Ladies First. In Professor Judy Haiven’s classes, male students learn their place in the progressive pecking order.

Art, Wigs and the Wearing of Pants. Ms Eames Armstrong, a performance artist, improves Shakespeare.

A Life Without Art, How Barren That Would be. Performance art students shake our tiny minds with three hours of radical pavement mopping.

Uncanny Powers Are a Feminist Issue. “Young, creative, politically engaged women” are fighting “patriarchal conditioning” with Tarot cards.

Are You Not Feeling the Positive Vibrations? Students attempt to cultivate “positive vibes” with luminous teepee. Arguments ensue.

We Need More Cushions. “Safe space” deemed unsafe due to radical poetry.

Uterus Rising. Genitals are the most vital qualification for presidential office. The searing moral insights of Ms Deborah Orr.

Wherever Possible, Avoid Mad People. Students “harmed” and “negatively impacted” by insufficiently sensitive buffet.

Just Surrender to the Will of Clever People. Reading to your children causes “unfair disadvantage.” Leftist academic asks, “Should it be allowed?”

Such Details are Beneath Her. In which we marvel at the outpourings of Polly Toynbee.

High Maintenance. How to date a brown feminist.

Answers on a Postcard, Please. The Guardian’s Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett asks, “Are we too selfish to live like hippies?”

You May Clap When Moved. Performance artist ends war, poverty, “oppressive discourses.” By amplifying his clothes.

How Dare You Hold on to Your Wallet. Artist Zoë Coombs Marr complains about how bloody hard it is to screw the taxpayer.

Strange Construal. In which socialists misremember The Good Life, a 1970s sitcom.

Achieving Collapse. Eco-radicals Deep Green Resistance struggle with reality and the concept of time.

My Kingdom for a Time Machine. Fifty-something radical yearns for the “good old days of the feminist collective.”

Feel the Racial Healing. Aisha Mirza bemoans the “psychic burden” of living among white people, which is worse than being mugged.

Nostalgie de la Butch. The Patriarchy has ruined lesbianism, says Julie Bindel.

Undone By Her Radical ‘Do. A “white grrl with dreadlocks” atones for her “whiteness” and “appropriated” hair.

Do Not Date Bedlamites. Melissa Fabello’s interracial dating advice is excruciatingly neurotic.

Diary of a Hunter-Gatherer. The Guardian’s George Monbiot waves a dead, twitching squirrel at bewildered children.

When Starbucks is a Hate-Crime Scene. Brace yourselves for the concept of sweat-shaming.

Always Winter, Never Christmas. The inconsolable sadness of the Guardian’s Michele Hanson.

Think Good Thoughts. Politically correct? You can’t say that.

Those Baby Blues. “Non-binary” parent Dorian Stripe struggles with biology.

The Final Outrage. The Guardian’s Osman Faruqi wants someone else to pay for his leisure activities. Nationalise Twitter, says he.

Don’t Oppress My People With Your Branded Headphones. Racist black students run riot with impunity, are applauded by staff.

The Mouthing of Bollocks. Feminist Rachel Kuo tells us how to order takeaway in a suitably fretful and intersectional manner.

Unseen Energies. Non-binary being Kris Nelson is radically feminist. And also a witch. Feel her positive energy.

Never Knowingly Understated. Laurie Penny tells us that expectations of coherence are “a great way of shutting down dissent.”

But I Am Not Androgynous. Silpa Kovvali insists that gendered pronouns should be abolished. Everyone is a “they.”

2016:

Today’s Word Is Chutzpah. Living in Glasgow for a year is art says taxpayer-funded artist who lives in Glasgow.

She Does All This For Us, You Know. Performance artist Sandrine Schaefer “collaborates” with hand-dryers and automatic doors.

Slacking for Social Justice. Riyad A Shahjahan says punctuality and competence are racist and oppressive.

And This Is Your Brain On Feminism. Meghan Murphy wants “a curfew for men” and “an end to masculinity.” “It makes sense,” says she.

At All Times, Dignity. The staggering vainglory of the academic left, part 404.

Is Your Bacon Sandwich Oppressing Women? “Does feminism require vegetarianism?” asks feminist philosopher Celia Edell.

A Performance Art Sampler. Drooling, doomed horticulture and terribly radical fatness.

Lofty Beings. Feminist “creative” Katherine Garcia attempts to justify her sub-optimal life choices. Things go badly wrong.

You Can Either Concur Or Agree. When leftists gather at Edinburgh University, please don’t shake your head.

Unhappy Camper. Feminist says we aren’t feeling enough compassion for narcissists, psychopaths and pathological liars. Like her.

He’s Being Rugged And We Can’t Have That. Transvestite potter denounces masculinity as “useless” and “counter-productive.”

See How Their Agonies Catch The Light. We must spend more time fretting about “gender non-conforming Indigenous people with disabilities.”

She Leans. Laurie Penny “leans towards anarcho-communism.” And so your money is hers.

The Dunning-Kruger Diaries. The “emerging talents” of Eames Armstrong and Matthew Ryan Rossetti.

Lifestyle Advice. Laurie Penny says her suitors are of no more importance than her books.

Feign Diabetes, It’s The Only Way. The Guardian’s Sarah Marsh is being oppressed by free cake.

Fat We Can Fix, The Excuses Are Trickier. Feminist of girth says not being fat makes you complicit in her oppression.

You’re Doing It All Wrong. Josefin Hedlund wants to correct your erotic preferences and make them egalitarian. For “social justice.”

Just Don’t Get It On The Sofa. Menstrual activist Iris Josephina Verstappen bleeds down her legs and waits to be applauded.

Free Hits. Punching teachers in the face is how black students “engage in learning.” What, you didn’t know?

An Intellectual Being. Melissa Fabello is a feminist intellectual. How dare you question her?

Do Not Feed The Narcissists. If you talk back, they’ll get angry. If you sit quietly, they’ll get angry. If you applaud them, they’ll get angry.

But Not All Feminists, Apparently. Attention, all men, everywhere. There’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

Don’t Oppress My People With Your White Devil Science. Magic negroes throw lightning at their enemies.

A Mere Sliver Of His Brilliance. Performance artist Philip Fryer explores “queer identity” in terribly radical ways.

They Say It All Belongs To Them. Berkeley students prove how not-at-all-racist they are by abusing random white people.

An Intellectual Being Rides Again. Empowered feminist Melissa Fabello once again faces the trauma of People Who Disagree With Her.

We Can’t Promise Not To Hit You. The Clown Quarter of academia is the left’s proving ground. And that should worry you.

Poverty And How To Get There. The first step is leftist vanity.

Totes Hardcore. The left-leaning Mic magazine celebrates post-election hysteria and the “true insurgence” of really bad tattoos.

An Eighteen-Year Project. Proud feminist Polly Dunning shares her parenting advice, and reveals more than she intends.

2017: 

It’s Almost As If One Were An Excuse For The Other. It’s interesting just how often “social justice” activism looks a lot like sociopathy.

Fashionable Malice. “White fragility” and the Kafkatrapping left.

Bad Medicine. At the University of Washington, Tacoma, black students are told that grammar is racist and irrelevant.

She’s Seething With Empowerment. Polite man holds door open for woman. Woman starts screaming.

The Patriarchy Sits On Her Chest. Feminist philosopher Celia Edell struggles with alleged sexism in academia, and also competence.

Turf War. Charles Murray attempts to speak on campus. A riot ensues.

Don’t Oppress My People With Your Big Hooped Earrings. In which we learn that winged eyeliner is “an everyday act of resistance.”

Insufficiently Swiped. Immense, frustrated love machine Caleb Luna wonders why his Grindr profile attracts so little interest.

Imagine The Picnics. Emily Zak wants us to know that fresh air and countryside are, like everything else, terribly oppressive.

But Why Aren’t People Rushing To Buy My Art? Deep thought, shifting paradigms and heads wrapped in meat.

And The Wonders You Can Do. Performance artist Sarah Hill creates work that is “cathartically dialogical” and a “temporal historical rupture.”

It’s A Feast For The Senses. “Artist, healer and dancer” Shizu Homma “interrogates the human condition.”

Mother’s Milk. Feminist Jody Allard humiliates her own teenage sons for being white and male, and therefore potential rapists.

All Types. But Not Yours, Obviously. Skylar Baker-Jordan is a gender studies graduate. Words fall from his mouth.

And Lo, There Came A Great Bunching Of The Panties. Google software developer states facts, gets fired, mass dishonesty ensues.

The Psychology of “Social Justice” Is A Thing To Behold. Professor advises students to say “fuck you” to potential employers.

Excruciatingly Woke. Educator Alice Ristroph watches a total eclipse and sees only racism.

They Come To Teach Us. Polite man encounters Mao-lings. Mao-lings lose their minds, scream abuse, then assault him.

The Wrong Neighbours. When one type of pretentious grievance collides with another, it’s a costly business.

A Rustling In The Bushes. “We talk erotically to plants,” say the ecosexuals. Then the clothes come off.

We Can Only Aspire To Their Mental Heights. Educator champions the looting of trainers, while the law-abiding shelter from a hurricane.

Pantomime. A balding, middle-aged transvestite, a sociology lecturer, wishes to confuse your children.

A Balanced Individual. Anti-capitalist lecturer hopes that his students get murdered.

The Educators Of Tomorrow. Teaching assistant Stephanie McKellopp signals her wokeness by ignoring white male students.

You Mustn’t Stop The Hysteria. Any hint of consequences for thuggery by students is “racist” and “unfair,” says professor of education.

Panic Sweeps Nation. Not being aroused by camp, effeminate men is damning proof of “misogynist attitudes” and “toxic masculinity.”

The Absurd And The Sinister Aren’t Mutually Exclusive. The sadistic, fever-dream world of leftist educators, caught on tape.

The Clown Quarter Now Has An Engineering Division. Expectations of competence are racist and oppressive, says Dr Donna Riley.

2018:

Slacking For Social Justice, Part Two. Laziness is “a political stance,” and incompetence is empowering. Says leftist educator.

Among The Little People. Feminist and educator Dr Jane Bone ponders “problematic” furniture, hears it speak.

Quick, Men. To The Escape Pods. Feminist fight club is “a mode of resistance,” a thing to behold.

She’ll Ruin The Leather. Sandrine Schaefer presents her buttocks to the world.

Space Travel Is Patriarchy And Therefore Bad. Says Women’s Studies educator.

Zombie Movie. Jordan Peterson tries to speak at Queen’s University, Ontario. Mao-ling psychodrama ensues.

A Giant Stone In The Sky. A short, rather lovely film by Alex Gorosh and Wylie Overstreet.

It’s A Fractal indignation. When someone sneezes, don’t say “Bless you.” That’s problematic and oppressive.

Burning Question. “Can pot make you a better parent?” asks the Guardian.

Today We Juxtapose. Guardian champions Teen Vogue as the future of woke publishing. Sales immediately plummet.

Modern Manners. Professor Melina Abdullah is a “womanist and truth-teller.” Words fall from her mouth.

The Laurie Penny Chronicles. A compendium of inadvertent comedy. A cautionary tale.

Happy Meal. Woke history professor James Livingston eats burger, exults in racial hatred.

Rise Of The Bedlamites. When your fascinating brownness trumps other people’s opening hours.

Know Your Readership (2). Ms Ixty Quintanilla rages against Trump, channels her ancestral spirituality, pushes against trees.

How Dare You Not Feel Oppressed. Minority students reject victimhood narrative. Sociology professor calls them racist.

Because Random People Must Be Punished. Apparently, the way to make people compassionate is to gleefully screw them over.

It Was Raining Outside And They Were Promised Sandwiches. Nika López “establishes an intimate relationship” with a pile of dirt.

How To Impress Your Boss, An Intersectional Guide. Minority employees shouldn’t have to do their jobs or be at all reliable.

Clown Quarter Contagion. At Birmingham University, a taxpayer-funded programme to make white staff “feel uncomfortable.”

Land Of The Giants. Diabetes and incontinence equals “body positivity.” In the Guardian, obviously.

I Axe You. Sounding dim and barely literate is something to be encouraged. At universities.

The Perils Of Jogging. The Guardian’s Zoe Williams warns that exercise “makes you rightwing.”

She’s Very Tired, You Know. Intersectional narcissist takes umbrage at being quoted by other intersectional narcissists.

Weepy And Hysterical. Philosophy professor apologises, at length, for his own heterosexuality.

Loving Themselves. Fat feminist students fight the patriarchy by gorging on doughnuts and thick, liquid pudding.

One For The Ladies. A Guardian writer tries his hand at saucy celebrity news. Things take a strange turn.

Not Boldly, Then. Politically-corrected space exploration. Two feminists opine.

Hear The Lamentations Of Unstable Leftist Women. Their marriages failed, and it’s all Trump’s fault.

Bad Souls And Bedlamites. Seattle’s sociopathic left invoke trauma of being observed. Death threats ensue.

Free Lollies. Six-year-olds should vote, says leftist academic.

Your Failure To Enthuse Is Violence, Apparently. Roy G Guzmán is oppressed by the “violence” of people not liking his poetry.

2019:

Old Photo Seen, Umbrage Ensues. Woke poet sees photo of coal miners, denounces “blackface,” fears for his safety.

Zack Is Upset. “Proud SJW” thinks women shouldn’t defend themselves against muggers.

The Dunning-Kruger Diaries, Part Two. Angeliki Chiado Tsoli does performance art, quite badly.

When Bitches Gather. The unhappy world of intersectional knitting.

Trump, Erection, And A Lack Thereof. “Post-Trump sex disorder” is a thing, apparently. Lefties hardest hit.

World Of Woo. Pretentious ethno-masochist Dr Deborah Cohan rails against the “tendrils of white supremacy.”

An Artistic Interlude. The creative, um, feats of Mr Claude Boudeau.

Your Standards Are Holding You Back. Brooklynite lefties launch socialist-only dating platform. Things do not go well.

Don’t Oppress My People With Your Public Libraries. Woke librarian denounces “so-called ‘knowledge’” of pale people.

Her Loveliness Revealed. Threaten your parents with never seeing grandchildren. It’s the progressive way.

The Other Heartbeat Isn’t Yours. Feminist “theorist” says abortion, via drugs or dismemberment, is a form of “anti-violence.”

Zack Ford Is A Grown Man. No, really. He is.

Think Big, Badly. Lose weight, or topple Western civilisation? It’s the fat person’s eternal dilemma.

Can You Spell ‘Bedlamite’? We mustn’t judge competence of writing when grading papers, says Dr Asao Inoue.

The Blurting. A leftist compulsion is pondered.

Titans Walk Among Us. Fearless masked leftists harass the elderly and disabled, congratulate selves.

Trust Me, I’m A Witchdoctor. Ngaree Blow denounces Western medicine as “outdated.” Champions use of bush dung.

The Unspanked. Meet the new intellectuals of the left.

It’s Petty When It Happens To Someone Else. Atlantic columnist Lauren Smiley avoids reality via rhetorical limbo-dancing.

A Stupefying Vanity. In which we attempt to define the contortions of “social justice.”

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