Gillian’s Vortex is Out of Order
Anna steers us to the latest doings of “holistic nutritionist” and health guru Gillian McKeith. Readers may recall Ms McKeith’s television series You Are What You Eat, in which our host thrilled the nation with her enthusiastic cataloguing of human excrement. Ms McKeith’s latest venture is more ambitious still. Indeed, it’s positively mind-bending.
The Gillian McKeith Wellness Retreat in southern Spain is an educational inspirational centre for the spirit, mind and body to learn, discover, explore and get closer to the essence of Your Self and Life; and through this process you seek to garner inner harmony and balance.
I can tell you’re intrigued. Who wouldn’t want to get closer to their essence? Intimacy with one’s essence is apparently achieved in seven days by means of,
High enzyme vegan foods, raw meals, sprouts and juices,
Combined with,
massage, Chi Yoga, meditation,
And,
tennis.
After seven days of tennis, sprouts and essence fondling,
You will receive a Certificate of Completion and join the Path for a whole new life.
You’ll also receive a bill for £1,500. Though the fee does include,
a nurturing staff,
nurturing mountains,
And,
swooning eagles.
Yes, the eagles actually swoon. Imagine the spectacle of magnificent birds keeling over from sheer emotional fatigue. The place must be littered with them. It’s the “natural vitality” of the region that does it.
Oh, there’s more.
This “idyllic oasis of paradise” also offers,
quaint shops, ancient caves
And,
an amazing energy vortex.
The details of which are somewhat mysterious.
Update:
Oh, calamity. It seems that Ms McKeith’s remarkable energy vortex is no longer part of the advertised package. Instead, patrons will merely bask in “a wonderful feeling of natural vitality.” The tragic closure of the vortex may be related to recent attention from the British Medical Association and subsequent doubts regarding the curative merits of “intuitive vibrational exercises” and interdimensional vortices.
Or maybe it’s just closed for maintenance.
Is Gillian’s vortex near Gilligan’s Island?
More proof, if it were needed, that fools and their money are soon parted…
I refuse to waste good money on a resort with no vortex.
It’s simple: Drive a tank, followed by a decent four-course, three-bottle lunch, topped off with a decent professional blow job. It could not be simpler.
That’s how to relax.
I wish…
“An amazing energy vortex.”
I thought CERN was in Switzerland?
“Gillian McKeith accepts no personal or therapeutic liability or responsibility for the client.”
Didn’t we already see this in The Road to Wellville?
Especially the “intuitive vibrational exercises” part…
“An amazing energy vortex.”
Oh I know what happened to that. It was a space-time continuum anomaly and the Doctor closed it.
Seriously, I used to watch You Are What You Eat because it was on after or before that show where they cleaned up peoples’ dirty, filthy homes (my favorite was the Scottish girl who confronted her newly pristine pad with the complaint that now she couldn’t find any of her stuff). I did think her nutritional guidelines were pretty sensible for the fried-fat gorging porkers she had to deal with. I didn’t realize that she was that far around the treehugging-hippie-crap bend, though. I thought the focus on poo was just a British thing; blame my English-descended grandma, who was a tad obsessed with my and my sister’s “BMs” and once tried to get me to take cod liver oil.
“I thought the focus on poo was just a British thing” 😀
“I refuse to waste good money on a resort with no vortex.”
Well, quite. But I fear it may be more serious than that. Surely all those “intuitive vibrational exercises” should be focused through the vortex. I mean, without the vortex things may go awry:
“We’ve got an amulet malfunction in room 10. We need uncooked sprouts, stat! And massage oil – lots of it – better make it apple blossom!”
At least she’s not selling unlicensed herbal sex aids…
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6167064.stm
That’s flatulence is that like, vortexes and stuff, like farting in the bath.Is that extra? Sprouts always do that to me, never heard it called vibrational exercise before though.
Maybe animal welfare shut off the energy vortex when they determined that it was causing the eagles to swoon.
“an amazing energy vortex.”
Gillian McKeith is obviously working for the Daleks.
What about quaint shops in ancient caves? Are there any of those?
Also why do pictures of stones appear so prominently on the front page? Are stones somehow involved in the diet?
“I thought the focus on poo was just a British thing”
Indeed it is. She lifted this from the Bristol Stool Scale (that’s right – a British University has actually released a poo classification) :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale
Why does it seem that rich societies inevitably descend into fads characterized by a wretchedly excessive waste of resources?
Just my opinion, of course, but on ‘You Are What You Eat’, I always thought she looked really ill. Not as bad as the lard arses she used to hector, but that’s setting a pretty low bar. And as for getting “closer to the essence of Your Self “, I just want to flush it away thank you.
Yeah, bgc, thanks for that Wiki image that I just got curious enough to checkout…just after lunch, fortunately. I’m beginning to suspect that Western society is moving in a direction such that, if you’re not some kind of freak, you must be some kind of freak. Or that’s my feeling, anyway…present company excepted of course.
WTP
Good point, exceptionally well put. I think.
Cool. Most rub-‘n-tug parlors don’t offer a “Certificate of Completion”.
Or so I understand.